I wrote the following piece just after I gave birth. I wanted to share it with you because it describes the all consuming magical place that motherhood transported me in to....
It's a week and a day since I became a new mum. At 41 years old I went my whole life thinking I didn't even want to be a mum, I thought it would be too ordinary, mundane and that it would mean I would lose my identity, lose my very soul and all the magic would be brought down to an up all night, school run nightmare…. I could not have been more wrong.
One week in to motherhood and there has never been so much magic in my life. Everyday is an enchanted adventure, a fairytale of wonder - what delights my magical son will bring. I can see his very soul and I feel privileged to have carried such a wonderful being from the world of conception, to our world. It is so far from ordinary or mundane. Never have I felt my own soul so keenly, or felt my heart so big. A surge of electrifying realisation has hit me. He does not belong to me or anyone. He belongs only to himself. I however belong entirely and infinitely to him.
I don't know why I'm surprised though. I fought everyone during my pregnancy, just to protect my baby before he was even born. I had already miscarried one child in 2014 and that set in motion a fierce hormonal change, a serendipitous event forcing me to see that I did want children. As painful as it was to lose a child, and it was painful for many different reasons, I am grateful that it made me see that my true instincts were to become a mum.. and that I would sacrifice all for that, if I had to. I was lucky, my eggs were tested and I was told, they were the eggs of a healthy 30 year old but to not waste any time and ‘crack on’. So for the second time in a year I became pregnant.
This time I would do whatever it took to protect this baby. I'd already given up Prozac – a drug I'd been addicted to for 18 years. I gave up everything else too. I took every precaution I could to make sure that's this soul that I was carrying was protected. I fought hard with his father, if I felt he wasn't looking after my emotional well being, as well as with my family and friends. I didn't care who I upset, all I cared about was my un-born child and that, while residing inside me, he was getting the best care I could find. Of course this often backfired and made matters worse, causing colossal arguments and not helping my duty to protect him at all.
I think everyone just thought I was being difficult, using the pregnancy as an excuse to be a pain, why can't they see what I'm trying to do? I would think. Why won't they protect me so I can protect this baby we are all so excited about? Why can't they see this is not about me or them, this is about a higher power, it's about a child.
I realise now that unless you are the one carrying the baby, it's impossible for your partner or your family to fully appreciate the gravity of what you feel you are protecting. Sure, they know you are having a baby and they want to do all the nice stuff like buying cots and clothes etc. So why would they ever see that your mission is one than runs so much deeper, they can't feel every move this little being makes, his heart doesn't beat next to theirs, they can't possibly realise just how valuable he is until he is born.. The mother is growing, nurturing and cherishing that child right from conception. A piece of my very soul had already been chipped away to nourish my baby, I felt like my own life depended on his well-being, I would have given up my life for him and I hadn't even met yet.
That's why it's so hard on women when they do miscarry, they lose part of their own soul and it stays lost forever. You hope that he or she has managed to get to Neverland to play forever with Peter Pan and the other lost boys, but you also know you must right the wrong, you must find another child and this one you hope you can safely protect the whole 9 months until he makes it here to earth. So when you do find a spirit to bring safety across the sea of life, you fight and you worry and you would kill just to get him here safely.
Phoenix has reopened the portal of magic for me which had withered and died with the turmoil of adult life. My lovely friend and his Godmother said the most beautiful thing to me about our children. She said that all the magic we once had gets pushed back inside us by being hurt in life... It all gets stored deep away and then comes out as the bundle of joy that is our children. Our children are all the magic we thought we had lost in one bundle.