"So come with me where dreams are made - but time is never planned..."
This is kind of a hard blog to write. I really want to share it though as I wish someone had warned me this could happen but it's really not talked about at all.
When I first met Ayden and we'd been dating for about 3 months, I told him, "I never want children and I know you do, so you should really think about that and maybe walk away now". Of course I didn't want him to but I didn't see the point in wasting the poor man's time. He just smiled at me and said, "We don't need to worry about that yet, let's just see what happens." It was at that point I knew, I was gonna end up having his kids.
I fell pregnant the first time we weren't 'careful'. It was May 2014. I was a bit in shock, half thrilled and half thinking, this is a mistake, I've never wanted kids, I'll be a terrible mum. We'd only just moved in together and I was fighting a court case about property with my ex. At the time I was still taking prozac and I stopped taking it straight away, which was probably a mistake - but I knew I didn't want to take any chances that my baby would be addicted to that drug because of me. I was very, very scared about everything.
Ayden found out that his storyline at work would be that he and his fiancée on Hollyoaks would also be having baby around the same time. We thought how funny it was, that reality and make believe were running side by side and that it would be fun as the months rolled on, as both the real and fake pregnancies progressed.
The weeks went by and I had no bleeding, I was growing and started to get excited about the scan that was coming up at 10 weeks. I thought, I know the first 12 weeks are the most fragile and when you are most likely to miscarry, so as long as I don't bleed before then, I should be fine. We had told people I was pregnant straight away, as we figured, if we did lose it, it was just one of those things and that we would be fine and just try again. How utterly wrong we were.
Just before that first scan, I had a dream about a dead baby and I started to just feel uneasy about everything, even though my body had given me no reason to. I just started thinking about miscarrying, a lot and I'm generally not a gloom and doom person, so I really didn't know why, maybe a mother's intuition, I don't know.
On the day of the 10 week scan I felt nervous and strange but I put it down to lack of prozac and just being scared. I lay on the scan table and Ayden held my hand. The woman was quiet and looked puzzled. She then said, " I can't see a foetal pole, but I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and get you to come back next week." That was it..... She didn't explain anything and we left. We knew nothing about pregnancy and neither of us understood what a foetal pole was. I was confused as I hadn't bled. I looked on-line and it said, I might have had a missed- miscarriage, something I'd never heard of or the baby just wasn't as far along as we thought. Suddenly from being scared about having a baby, I knew I just wanted everything to be OK. I really, really wanted to be a mum more than anything else.
We decided we couldn't wait another week and so we drove to London to have a private scan. This time the lady was very kind and explained everything. The baby had stopped developing at about 6 weeks and the foetal pole could not be seen. This meant that, either there wasn't one or it was so tiny it couldn't be seen. I'd had a blighted ovum or also called a missed- miscarriage and there would be no baby. Now I just had to wait for my body to realise there was something wrong and that I wasn't carrying a healthy baby and then I would miscarry. She couldn't tell me when - but thought it would be in the next few weeks. Ayden was supposed to go on one of his best mates stag do's - but he cancelled immediately and I think we cried all the way back home to Liverpool.
Waiting for the bleed to happen was horrendous and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I felt like, I just had a dead baby in me. I know that's truly dramatic but I just wanted it to be alive or gone. I kept hoping they were wrong too - but of course, deep down I knew that wasn't the case.
When the miscarriage finally started, the whole process took about a week and a half but on the first day (sods law) we were at a charity football match. I'm not gonna lie, I nearly smacked one of Ayden's fans in the chops that day, as they all pushed and shoved to get a selfie with him. Of course, they had no idea what I was going through and it wasn't their fault but I'm surprised I managed to keep my cool. He left early, not seeing all his fans, which at charity gigs he usually always tries to say hello to everyone, which is amazing of him. That evening we had to go to a night club personal appearance, as part of the charity function too. This is where girls basically just throw themselves at all the famous guys and any friends that are there with them too. I just wanted to go home and be cuddled and watch crap films and eat chocolate. Instead, I had to watch my boyfriend be paraded round like a zoo exhibit for some crazy drunk girls to scream at and take selfies with him, while I ran backwards and forwards to lose my baby in a nightclub toilet. Of course my lovely Ayden left as soon as he could and we got back to the hotel not long after midnight, where I just wanted to cry.
The rest of that week was pretty grim. The emotional strain of a miscarriage is not pleasant for the father or mother but the physical implications for the mother make it seem all the more heartbreaking, and it is heart breaking and it's gross and it's sadly a moment, the mother has to go through alone. The best partner in the world cannot help you and I think I do have the fairytale in Ayden but there was really nothing he could do to help me, except cuddle me, which he did of course.
Sadly, my nightmare didn't really end there. You remember I said that Ayden's storyline at Hollyoaks at the time was that he was having a 'TV' baby around the same time as my baby would have been born. It was the cruelist blow that fate could have dealt us. He had to act out a whole pretend pregnancy and the joy of a birth on-screen, while his own baby was no more. You could say that it was much worse for Ayden, as he had to play it all out - but I think any girl who's lost a baby will appreciate how utterly devastating that was for me. A friend of mine said to me, and I think she is right, that men become a father, once they hold their child in their arms, Women however, become a mother the minute they fall pregnant. It was so painful seeing him hold his make-believe son in his arms at a time when we should have been celebrating the birth of our baby. I felt like such a failure and like I had let him down and now, on top of all that, I had to watch him 'play dad' when our own baby was no longer. It pulled at my very soul and I barely stayed whole.
However, all clouds do have a silver lining and one amazing, miraculous thing to come out of the whole painful experience, was that I knew, more than anything else in the whole world, I wanted to be a mum. So when I finally became pregnant with Phoenix and I knew he was a 'valid' pregnancy, a journey I will share with you all soon, I knew I would kill to make sure this baby got to earth safely. The fairies had my first babies' soul as their changeling but I would do anything I had to for Phoenix, to keep him safe.
That's why he's called Phoenix because out of all that fire, he rose to us from the ashes. He was naturally conceived and this pregnancy was as normal as can be but he's still our miracle baby, all babies are. I'm actually grateful for that whole experience because without it, I might have not realised what a lucky lady I am to have a child and I appreciate Phoenix every day because of it. It's one of the reasons when I go to sleep at night, I can't wait up to see his smiley, perfect face in the morning. I know how truly precious he is.... but still, I really hope I never go through it again and for all of you who have had to go through a miscarriage, I send you the biggest hug, as no one should have to bear that lonely pain, that society won't talk about and no one let's you properly grieve.