I wanted write this blog last night but then life went all wrong for various reasons, namely, other people and I just didn't have time.
When I say it went wrong, I got some irritating news that I can't divulge yet. My back was killing me from stupidly thinking my 92lbs, could carry the 17lbs that is Phoenix around Morrisons, as well as the shopping. I had some bills to pay and some cleaning up to do (sadly standard for most). Add to that, me trying to cook some food, not my best talent and then bath Phoenix and my night was gone. So I finished off, posting a competition for you guys to win some treats and then sneaking off to watch Dead Pool, which by the way, is a great movie, do make sure you watch it! So you see I ended the night, totally skiving off my blogging promise.
So let's get down to the blog. I wanted to thank you all for sending me such lovely messages after my last post and my vlog, please do not worry about me, I have never been better, happier or loved my dirty faced self more.
For those of you who have very kindly said I am brave, I'm not, I'm no braver than any of you lovely people. Quite simply, I have no choice in showing you who I am. I cannot hide any more. It is more painful to hide, than it is to tell the truth and I'm stupid enough to tell the truth, I have to be - for my own sanity...
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
I think as a human being and certainly as a parent at some point in your life, you owe it to yourself and your children to go, through the looking glass and face who's on the other side. Take yourself gently by the hand and say, it's OK, you can come out now. You are a good person. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to like who you are. You don't have to hide your true face any more. The big bad wolf in you, isn't really that bad. Just like real live wolves (not the fairy tale ones, that don't represent the animals true nature at all) the big bad wolf, is timid and afraid. It cries out to us for a snuggle. The wolf in us all, has been hurt, finds it hard to trust and is afraid to show itself to the world for fear it will be hunted down and judged.
That big bad wolf is the tantrum that we used to have as babies that got shut in a box for the sake of society and that we are now trying to lure back out again with counselling, because it has grown even bigger, having been alone and afraid in the dark woods for so long.
That same tantrum, our babies now have and we are encouraged to shut them away too. So we try to stop them screaming in the super market. Don't let anyone see our babies have a dark side! Don't let 'them' see that our little cubs have natural emotions. Don't let 'them' see that our new born miracles are not yet ready to blend in to society... Well I say, fuck society if we have to lie and hide away.
Let's help our babies nurture their wolf cubs. Let's lead them in knowing it's OK to be pissed off because they can't have their own way. Let's allow them to acknowledge their natural emotions and vices and in trying to 'socialise' them, let's at least whisper in their ear that it's OK to sometimes metaphorically, 'draw outside the lines' and that all the best people are a little mad. Let's help them see that they will always be judged and that it really doesn't matter. Let them judge! I will tell Phoenix, this is his fairy tale not anyone elses. A long as he harms no one or any living thing, I will encourage him to do whatever makes him happy and if that sometimes means screaming blue murder in the super market because he can't have his own way, that's absolutely fine. I will encourage him to dance with his wolf not hide it away.
I want him to know we are lucky every day that we have been given the gift of life and that all he has to remember, all any of us have to remember in fact, is that this is our time, to be our own hero.
"Four or five moments-that's all it takes to be a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not True. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend- spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away."
Colossus - Dead Pool
Ironically, that was in the film I watched last night and it couldn't be more fitting for all you parents out there and all you non parents and children for that matter. We don't have to be perfect every day. There's proof right there, that even superheroes can't be perfect all the time;) - We just have to be to be us. Wolves and all.
The Native Americans believe we are reborn each day. Imagine that... You wake up and you have non of your past baggage weighing you down. You have no set idea of how you'll react to things, no bad habits, just a new day to wake up to and embrace it, like it's your first day alive.
I used to have a friend who if you asked him how he was, however he was feeling, he said, "Marvellous Darling, any better and it would be unbearable". Sadly he passed away this year and in losing this wonderful vibrant man, it struck me just how precious every day is. He won't get to say his fabulous catch phrase again. He often suffered from depression and he doesn't even get to do that anymore. His wolf never got the chance to come out and play in the sun and be loved. I am determined that mine and Phoenix's will. People might feel uncomfortable with that and it might be hard for them but only because they haven't snuggled their own wolves yet.
From now on however bad I'm feeling or if I have things go wrong as they did last night, I'm just glad I'm alive to experience them going wrong. If the big bad wolf wants to come out and depress me about something, I will try to remember to be grateful that he can. If you can feel bad then you are alive. From now on I will dance with the wolves that come along, because I can.
So you see I'm not brave, I've just unleashed the tantrum beast that society tried and still tries to silence. I cannot recommend it enough. Face the bullies, tell the truth. You and your children, dance with those loyal and completely misunderstood wolves.
I leave you with this confession. Right up until Phoenix was about 3 weeks old he was going to be called 'Wolf'. I think Phoenix suits him and his journey to life much better though - but I think I might just call him Wolfie when those tantrums are in full swing!