First of all, thank you every one who wished Phoenix happy birthday! It means so much from every one of you. Thank you all who sent gifts they are all wonderful and will be enjoyed!
It has been such a busy week what with one thing or another I haven't written nearly as much as I would like to. I'm catching up though, if we parents ever catch up, so you may be inundated with blogs soon. Watch this space.
I wrote a piece on the night of Phoenix's birthday (25th August) and I haven't had time to share it with you until now. I was so unexpectedly filled with creativity and magic as the day of his birth came around, I felt like I slipped in to the between place, where a mother meets her child for the first time again. It suddenly struck me how overcome with magic I felt on the night of his birth and so I wrote this as I snuggled next to him in bed......
Phoenix is one. I didn't realise that his birthday would stir up my soul in such a way....
I am writing this the night of his first birthday and for the very first time since his came here to earth, it's just Phoenix and me alone. His dad Ayden is on a night shoot, it's the first one he's been on in over a year, so we have never gone to bed without him being here. It's weird but there is a stillness I am enjoying. The last time it was just Phoenix and I alone together at night, he had just been born. My C Section meant that Ayden couldn't stay at the hospital as I had to be on a ward. He was super upset about it and didn't want to leave us, I remember being kind of spaced and not wanting him to go but I was so tired, I think I felt a bit numb as he left me to look after our newly delivered precious bundle.
I just watched my baby pretty much all night. I remember the mysterious atmosphere, it was like Phoenix an I were on another plain to the rest of the world. It felt like that during his birth, I had gone to collect his soul from an in-between place and we were both still stood at the gateway to reality. Watching each other, knowing each other like we'd always been together. I felt like I'd been waiting for that moment my whole life.
I recall so clearly how he looked at me, especially tonight as it feels like the veil between the worlds has lifted again to celebrate his birthday with me, to remind me how special he truly is. They say that new born babies cannot really see and of course they cannot connect to logic what they do see - but I am telling you, my baby looked at me and he knew me and I'm sure that most mothers must experience the same magic.
I felt him telepathically, we had been one body, carrying two souls and as if we were somehow still attached, I felt him recognise me as the ship that sailed him here.
I've never felt true peace like I felt that night and I have never felt such a connection with anyone like it, I knew what his heart was saying and he knew mine having listened to it for 9 months, we danced in tune to our own rhythm as the rest of the world dreamed.
His birthday has somehow opened a portal to that world again tonight.... It's a realm of creativity and wondrous acceptance and a peace I can only describe as love. A delicate love that is pure and heart wrenching in it's joy, silent in it's wisdom and ancient, so very ancient.
Phoenix's birth night was the beginning of time for me. Life had not really begun until that enchanted epic journey. That one night after maybe life times of searching, I finally met my life's purpose in the face of my baby boy.
Tonight as I feel that magic again, I realise we might not be two sous in one body anymore but we are not truly two separate souls either, he has my soul. I didn't know it until now but that transfer happened the very first night he looked at me. Maybe that was the mystifying presence I felt that night, as this little being took over me.
Now I would bleed myself dry just to maintain him. His existence means more to me than my own ever has - but now I must survive too. He has stolen my shield though, now I will only use it to protect him and I couldn't be more grateful to do that.
In stealing everything from me, he has given me a heartbeat and a courage I never even dreamed I could find in myself....
That unbreakable bond or magical spell that is formed during pregnancy for a mother towards her child, goes way beyond this world. I know the bond cannot be as strong for the child, it can't be as there very survival means they must be able to move on, move away, find their own magical bonds.
Phoenix will never know the magic of that night until he has his own children but I will cherish that time between worlds every time I look at his perfect face, when he fired an arrow at my heart and it burst into life.