I am not brave. I am stupid but I know I am not brave. To all parents that have had to send their little ones to nursery pretty much as soon as they've turned 1 tiny year old, either because of work or just because you know it's better for them to mingle now..... You are brave.....
Recently most in my group of NCT friends have gone back to work and one by one they have had to face the terrible wrench of when you first send your baby to nursery. They have been through the heartbreaking settling in period and even though some of the ladies have been back at work for a month now, they tell me they still cry, even if their babies don't any more.
I know for both Phoenix's and my own sake I should probably send him. It means I wouldn't have to write and catch up with life late at night, I would get 'me time' (basically I'd get to wee on my own) and he would benefit and probably develop at a rapid rate with his peers around him, not to mention what it would do for his confidence to know he is not attached to me - as he probably thinks he is now. I just can't do it though.
I reason with myself that I don't have to, it's expensive, he's confident anyway and all these things are true but am I making excuses? Am I holding him back?
I know there will come a time when he has to go to nursery and school but until he absolutely has to, I want him with me.
Oh I moan all the time to Ayden about not having time to myself and how I just wish I could get up in a morning without it being like training for the Tough Mudder, as I find myself climbing over his toys, rescuing him from the cats, stopping him from trapping his fingers or eating something he shouldn't all while I try and make myself clean at least, even if I'm not that presentable! But that moaning doesn't mean I don't enjoy every single minute on the contrary, for the first time in 42 years, I LOVE my life, I wouldn't swap it with Posh Spice or The Duchess Of Cambridge - I love it because of my family and what they have made me become.
I never liked myself before Phoenix was born, I was always trying to figure out, why we are here? Who I am? Why I wasn't pretty.. Why I didn't feel good enough... Now I don't have time for any of that shit. I know who I am exactly because I don't have a spare second to ponder it. I could not give a fuck about not being pretty, it makes no difference to who I am and Phoenix is cute so who cares about me and my wrinkles or whether my nose is too big or my eyes are saggy. I really don't care and I like myself a whole lot better because I don't. As for my personality, what comes out is who I am, right in that moment, creative, raw and real. No time for fake, the poetry in my life, is in the reality of it now and I love it.
It's not really a reason to not send your child to nursery I know but I'm not sending him. I will when I have to but not until then.
We don't live a conventional life anyway and I do worry about that (mum guilt). We are often on the road. Phoenix doesn't have regular hours like other babies, he gets up at 10am and goes to bed somewhere around midnight. We travel about 20k miles a year in the car alone and he is often at meetings, events, out for dinner and he's even sat on my knee during a talk I gave to young girls, about bulimia.
I don't know if he will go to the same school his whole childhood like most children do, we might even have to move to America for a while. I worry that I am being selfish and wonder whether he will suffer as I make him fit in to our crazy lifestyle. Is love enough for a child or do they need to fit in to the box that society creates for us? I honestly do not know but to make money I have no choice. Maybe he will be an amazing human being because of the different experiences, maybe he will be confident because he is well travelled. Maybe I'd better start saving for his therapy in adult life now!
I did find out for you from my most practical (& naughty) NCT friend a list of what to take to Nursery and she also had some gems that I would like to pass on - Thank you Therese...
Take with you:
A few changes of clothes
Scrap book with family photos
Book they love
In the lovely scarp book idea Therese said to put..
People who are key family and friends and that are likely to be picking your little oneup from nursery at some point ( maybe glue in some pictures of them - good for safety)
Your child's favourite things
What they do when they are tired/ hungry/ mucky
For all of you that are braving nursery now or have done or will do in the future, you are awesome. You are giving your child a new adventure. It may not be pleasant for you but they are strong, so much stronger than we give them credit for. So give yourself a pat on the back for how brave you are being and be proud that they are coping out their in the big wide world.
If like me you are keeping them at home - give yourself a pat on the back too, even if it's just for that 'tough mudder' race we do each day and the fact that we often have less wee breaks than a secret agent on a stake out
We are the memory makers in their lives right now, whatever we have to do to feed them, we can still make those memories so magical that they enchant the soul forevermore.
Thank you for reading my blogs. If you have enjoyed any of them please do vote for me at the 'Mum and Working Awards' on the picture below, voting closes soon on the 12th September. If you have already voted, thank you with all my heart.