I would like to thank each and every one of you because yesterday, thanks to your votes and support, I won the 'Mum and Working' Award for Best Blogger and I admit it, I cried!
I was so totally shocked that I had actually won! I've won things in my life for dancing and acting before - but I've never achieved anything but trouble for truly being myself, until this HoneyMumster Blog came along.
HoneyMumster has only been in my life for 6 months and so much has happened in that time I can barely keep up with it all. Writing this blog has been one of the best things I've ever done because it honestly represents me and my thoughts, warts and all. There's no bullshit here, there are no lies, there is no mask or fake smiles, I can be truly me.
In most of the places I have worked or situations I have found myself in, I have had to hide myself and I realise now that ruins your confidence and ironically your bosses and other people probably don't get the best out of you either. Maybe they didn't really want you in the first place - but the ride of trying to 'please people' is a nauseous one and there are really no winners.
In this 'job', I can be everything I am and in being able to do that, my confidence grows daily. I'm even confident about the fact that sometimes I'm not very confident, because on these pages that's ok too.
Apparently I can write, even though for years I was told that I'm illiterate, it turns out I'm not. Of course I don't have a masters in English grammar, my use of commas is appalling, I always have a mistake or two in my blogs and thank goodness for spell check!
However, maybe that doesn't matter as much in this wonderful age of communication. There are probably a million people out there who have wonderful things to say in a blog but they don't because someone has made them feel like they are not clever enough or schooled enough, well please, if you're out there reading this and have something to say, do it! It doesn't even matter if hardly anyone reads it, get it out in the open. writing is like the pen-sieve in Harry Potter, it clears the mind and helps you grow. It may liberate you, it might just challenge you and it could even save you.
All I know is that the words I write , spill out of my heart and sometimes I feel like a waterfall of thoughts pour from me and I can't stop them but I'm not afraid of what I say, it's like my soul takes over and I am free again.
By not shying away from who I am after years of hiding it's lovely to find that I'm not as awful as I thought I was, most people don't hate me or think I should be in a padded cell. Most people in fact, are the same as me, human.
The second reason I cried when they announced me as the winner is because my partner, Ayden looked so god damn pleased for me! As I tried to thank him and our son Phoenix I just couldn't get the words out without crying. It was like my heart had swollen in to my throat and I just couldn't say it!
So I will say it now, without Ayden and Phoenix there would be no blog, I wouldn't have even half the courage and determination I have right now and I would still be lost in the labyrinth of uncertainty that I lived with for nearly 40 years. Being a mum has given me some sort of super power, I am no longer afraid of anything apart from Phoenix not being safe. He has made me realise that I'm the strongest when I'm me and so to protect him I have come out of the darkness which kept me in some sort of weird sad but safe place for many years and I'm ready to take on the fucking world, the brighter the better.
The final reason I cried is because I love to write and to be recognised for that is incredible to me. I also love to dance and perform of course but show business is a strange hall of mirrors with many closed doors and it is very frustrating for an artist with no outlet for creativity. Writing has become my creative outlet and it feeds that beast so beautifully and with ease.
I was also asked to give an inspirational speech at the Awards Ceremony, which I was petrified about as the only large groups of people that I've spoken to have either been under 5 or it involves a song and a dance and the splits.
I think it went ok, there was laughter and tears (and not just from me). No one had to hear me and I'm pleased to say I wasn't so awful that I had to revert to doing the splits just to get a round of applause.
I won't bore you with the whole speech but here's how I finished and this is for parents everywhere...
"We live, work and breathe to keep the fires of our children, our own Phoenix’s burning brightly and I know nothing has ever spurred me on with such passion, courage and happiness as my baby boy.
If he needs me to work, I will work. If he needs me to be at home and not work, I will be at home and not work. If he needs me to climb a mountain every day I will climb it broken and battered and try not to complain and I know all parents would do the same too.
Our children give us a gift of great power. The super power of determination and each and everyone one of us can conquer the world because we are parents".