I sat here this evening, wondering what the fuck to write about. Phoenix and Ayden are all snuggled up watching King Julien and I am down in the office sat looking at the computer screen. Next week I will be doing a wedding special every night, where you can find exactly who we used at our wedding and why but tonight I wanted to write something poignant for you, something about being a mum.
The fact is, being a mum is the best thing that's happened to me. I love it, I love all of it, even all the shit bits. Being a mum has been my beacon, it brings me out of any dark labyrinths my stupid mind might take me into. It gives me a purpose. Being a mum completes me. I wonder if I'll ever rant angrily about being a mum and the truth is, I can't see it. Even in the New York Times this week there was a brilliant article about the fact that humans beings are at their happiest when they feel needed.
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"Feeling superfluous is a blow to the human spirit. It leads to social isolation and emotional pain, and creates the conditions for negative emotions to take root."
There you have it. That is why being a parent completes me... because in this fucking awful world where I have always felt like an outsider and I struggle every day to make sense of most peoples actions, being a parent makes me feel like I might belong because I no longer feel superfluous.
I suspect, quite strongly though that it could also be because children, unlike most adults, are not complete and utter arseholes! (My husband aside).
Even when I worked with children, the children were a joy. They say don't work with children and animals but I say don't work with adults. Children are much more honest, much more fun, always appreciate you and much more creative.
The adults were utter bastards! They were suspicious and greedy. They made me feel bad and like I wasn't enough most days. They lied and then called me aggressive when I pointed out their lies. In general I find adults very hard to fathom. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in but in truth I always have, especially in work situations.
I guess very much like children, I don't understand 'politics' - I only understand 'truth' and in a working environment the truth is the last thing people seem to want to hear. Maybe one of you will explain why this is to me, as in 42 years I just don't get it. Isn't the truth always best, even when it's painful?
Why is the world so full of the word no? People are so suspicious. People are so manipulative. Sometimes when I'm dealing with people for work I can tell they are lying so easily that their noses might as well be growing in front of my very eyes. On occasion I have pointed this out to them to a very frosty and denying response. Often their outraged response has made me laugh, which invites an even bigger outrage and then I feel sad....
I feel sad because they don't trust me enough to be honest or at least laugh about their lies. I'm sad because they don't have enough courage to tell the truth. They rely on 'politics' which let's face it folks, might as well have the definition in the dictionary of 'Telling lies' these days. Surely honesty, respect and gratitude would make the work place and dealing with other human beings much better for all of us.
I saw the above picture quote online this evening, as I was wandering around in the darkness of my mind trying to think of something to write about and I thought, Oh my fucking god, that is it!
Too many people in my life have caused me depression and low self esteem now I think about it. Sure I should take some responsibility by not allowing people to bring me down but they should also take some responsibility and not be twats!
What if all low esteem and depression could be helped just by us being nicer to each other?
I say get rid of the arseholes in your life if you can. Maybe don't be like me and tell your boss he or she is an arsehole or that you can almost see their noses growing the next political lie they tell - because believe me, it never goes down that well... but know they are idiots. Know that they are not free. If you are like me and you always feel like you are on the outside looking in, well at least we are outside, where there is freedom, where we can run around with no poxy boundaries or boxes to tick.
I used to wish I could get in to that place. The secret club. The 'in' that I spent so many years on the outside of. I dreamed that one day all the decision makers would pat me on the back and say, Come on in! That I would understand the games that they played, I kind of knew I never could but I tried and tried and nearly sent myself crazy feeling like it was because I wasn't good enough or clever enough or the right class.... but not anymore. ....
Now I'm glad I'm on the outside. I'm with the children, I know that now I'm a mum and I love it.
I am good enough and clever enough and the right class on the outside because out here with the children, it doesn't matter. I thought I was missing something but now I know it's all right here for me and maybe one day the bosses and the 'politic players' will come outside and play with me where everyone tells the truth and everyone is appreciated.
Phoenix has shown me the pathway to magic again. Children really are the future and if you really look you see that they light the way in so many ways. We just need to listen to them and each other.