The hardest thing as a parent is to keep going when life is against you. When you are tired from the grind that follows us all in some shape or another or when there are simply not enough hours in the day.
Recently we have been so busy that I find myself behind on everything. I intended to have completed my wedding blogs by now and hopefully be starting to gear up for a Christmas bonanza but I just haven't had time. Of course when you are writing for a living it's sometimes finding the inspiration too - but mainly I don't have any time. When I do have time, I feel guilty that I'm not being a mum. That's all I really want to do, is look after Phoenix, make him happy, make sure he has had the best day he possibly can, every single day. I know that's just not realistic and probably not even good for him but I am desperate for him to have a wonderful life. I don't want to miss a beat. I want his neural pathways to develop just as they should. I want him to be excited by his existence. I want him to know how much I love him - I want it to be perfect for him, every day.
I saw in Closer Online Magazine today that mums are more likely to be unhappy as parents than dads but I don't think that's because we hate being parents, on the contrary I think it's because we love it so much. I'm not saying that dads don't love it but dads have a way of still meeting their own needs first and just not feeling guilty about it. They seem to realise that it won't ruin their child's day if they eat a sandwich, before they make the kids lunch.
Today, I have had only a handful of cashew nuts to eat. I have had one wee. It's 8.50pm. I haven't looked in the mirror since I got dressed this morning. I banged my head fixing the boiler and I still have a crisp of blood in my hair and I am sat here feeling guilty because I'm not with my baby boy and I haven't been for about 2 hours now.
He is having fun with his grandparents and he couldn't be happier than when he's playing with them - but still, when I've finished writing I still won't go for my second wee of the day or get some proper food or look at my head. I'll rush to make sure my baby is ok. I won't allow myself a minute for me and I don't even understand why I won't. I know it's better all round if I take care of me but my heart leads me to put him first in all situations.
We watched Shrek The Third today. He fell asleep half way through and I found myself sat watching him sleeping, half listening to a cartoon I didn't have time to be listening to. There is a scene in the film where Princess Fiona is pregnant and all the other princesses tell her that she will be ruined by being a mother. She will have stretch marks and be so tired that she will let herself go and it's so true. I don't have stretch marks, but most days I am covered in food from his mealtimes expeditions. I haven't had my hair done for months, I'd rather buy an amazingly expensive and safe car seat than buy clothes and as I've already said, I don't have time in the day to check what I look like or apply make up....
It sounds awful doesn't it? And yet I wouldn't have it any other way and I don't know a mother that would. But I think the best thing a woman can do for her husband is to love their children utterly selflessly. And the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother even more for the love she shows his babies.
It's the guilt that tires you out, not the kids and I will try to put me first a bit. Maybe eat some food and allow myself more than one wee a day - but our families are our happy ever afters and so why wouldn't we give it all we've got. I used to dream of being a famous actress, now my dream is more likely to be the old woman who lived in the shoe! I'll give them more than broth without any bread though and I won't spank them before bed - but it's a much better dream than fame. Being a mum has a soul, it has meaning and gives you the super power of love and there is no better career in the world.