So first of all please let me apologise for my AWOL ness. It’s been a tough few months and I have had to take a sabbatical. When your job involves pouring out your thoughts like you are emptying your brain in to a Harry Potter pensieve, it is hard to perform if the equivalent of the old London town smogs of Victorian times, have seeped in to your brain. It has been emotional at times and it has been isolating to say the least.
It’s not that I’ve been depressed and for the record it’s now a whole year since I took my old friend Prozac. It’s more that life has been a fucking mare and has increasing felt like I’m trying to wedge big square pegs into little round holes. I’m not one for giving in but on somethings I have had to concede and say, “Fuck it, I give in, life is too short and precious times with Phoenix are too wonderful and magical for me to care about the fact that I feel out of step with life and indeed the human race in general. I don't need to honour or react to the tirade of rubbish that comes everyone’s way in life and believe me there has been a lot of rubbish nonsense for me this year.
Unfortunately for me though,this means a fuse blows and my brain fogs over for a time.
It’s been a struggle and draining getting back in to human race’s way of being this time - but I believe I’m just about there and with a few pieces of good news up my sleeve and soon to be revealed, hopefully the Honeymumster is back (for now)!
Why though, do I get lost so often? I’m not depressed… It’s definitely not depression, I’m not sure it’s ever been depression that knocks me off my feet. It’s more an unceasing lifelong feeling, that I do not know what the fuck is going on a lot of the time.
I can’t figure out why people behave the way they do. Why are we mean to each other? Why do we try to own one another? Why can’t we just have fun? If only life were like thr backstage of a west end musical - everything would be a one huge jolly and simply electric! It should be that way shouldn't it?
I started to believe it may well have something to do with my blood type that makes me lose my way on Earth so often - but I suspect I'm delving in to the realms of science fiction and conspiracy theories... which is never wise for one who is already on the crazy spectrum.
I’m rhesus negative A and it’s said, that the negative blood types often feel out of touch with the other 85% of the human race who all have the rhesus blood marker. So as Phoenix is also rhesus negative A – I feel I owe it to him to figure out if it is indeed this, that knocks me sideways every now and then.. Could we have alien blood as the conspiracy theorists say when it comes to blood types?
I don’t want my son to feel confused about other people’s behaviour as I do a lot of the time. I want him to trust in life and to know that it is beautiful and wonderful and great fun – just as I know it is when I am on track with my thoughts.
When it all goes wrong, it's true, it is a darkness that descends on me but it’s a darkness not of depression but of confusion and a disappointment in life. I feel isolated and afraid. I can’t think properly or access my thoughts. I live in a haze watching life happen to others, unable to access my true feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had joy this whole time I’ve been absent. Time spent with my family has been fabulous and I know I am the luckiest girl in the world…
I just haven't been able to express myself and it’s like everyone is dancing a different dance to me. A dance I don’t know. So I can only watch and hope I can get back in step with everyone again soon and before they realise I'm a freak!
Happily, for me children and animals always dance the steps I do know, so I can plough my energies in to fun with Phoenix and the cats when I feel like this…. But I want to know why I get lost in this maze. I want to know why I have to stand on the side-lines of humanity every now and then.
I often watch my wonderful husband and I am intrigued that he understands life and human beings completely. He doesn’t struggle to behave in a the human way and he doesn’t over think his own existence. He is, as suspected all along, like the majority of the people on this planet… He belongs here.
Luckily for me he is also kind and real, so he patiently waits for me stop dancing with the gypsies in my mental wood and is there waiting for me when I emerge back out again and ready for real life..
Maybe it is my blood type, maybe I just haven’t grown up yet. I will investigate further when my head is completely smog free. For now, I’m just glad to be back and able to free my soul through this blog.
Thanks for your patience. It’s good to be back with the humans again, even though you are indeed a strange bunch!