As I sit here typing my little angel face Phoenix is having his afternoon nap, meanwhile the little stranger in my tummy is tap, tap, tapping for my attention. I am truly blessed, with one baby boy already and another one on the way but I can’t help but notice how different my two pregnancies feel and how the mum guilt looms large for me these days.
Phoenix means so much to me and I simply can’t imagine loving another child as much as I simply worship him. From the moment I got pregnant to this present day, Phoenix comes first. I exist for him and I function to meet his needs.
While pregnant with Phoenix, he was all I could think about. The whole pregnancy went so slowly, I counted down the days to meet my most wished for baby boy. I knew what his personality would be like before he even arrived on this earth and I was right too. I was like a tiger in protecting him from coming to any harm in my womb.
I treasured every single scan and I missed seeing him in between times. I had bonded so completely with him before he was even born I knew his very soul as soon as he came in to this world.
The pregnancy was so all consuming with Phoenix it made me pretty crazy. No doubt because I had already sadly lost a child and I was so desperate to keep this little miracle safe. I was so afraid that something would go wrong. I didn’t know what to expect, so every day was a learning curve and I felt afraid, sometimes alone with my baby and very vulnerable.
With baby number two it’s completely different. It barely seems real that I am pregnant. Of course this may have something to do with the fact that I was told it would be impossible for me to conceive naturally or at least without an operation but it’s so weird that I’m almost 21 weeks already and showing so much more than I did with Phoenix and yet I almost forget I’m going to be having a baby soon.
You’d think suffering from hyperemesis granvidarum would make it hit home that I’m expecting again but it hasn’t. If anything it makes me feel less pregnancy because I wasn’t sick at all with Phoenix and that’s all I have to compare this pregnancy to.
I have been for so many scans already and he’s so cute but even then I'm ashamed to say I don’t feel that same bond that I felt with Phoenix.
What’s really weird is I know he’s a boy but he feels like a girl, so I can’t get my head round having another gorgeous baby boy in my life as I just can’t reach him somehow.
Of course I already love him and I feel guilty for not knowing him the same way I knew Phoenix. I feel guilty because with Phoenix’s scan pictures I looked at them over and over again. I had pictures of them on my phone and I put them in a logged treasure chest.
With this little gem, I get the photos and faun over them but then they go in to an envelope, not even in order because I simply don’t have time to keep looking at them or log them away.
Even before he has arrived I feel guilty to both children that the space they inhabit as pictures on my phone are not equal and what about all the money and stuff that Phoenix now has to share. My god I'm even worrying about that fact Phoenix will get less money for college or even inheritance his now, followed by worrying about my unborn child and the fact I'm putting Phoenix before him in the worry stakes!
I'm a guilty mess!
I feel guilty because my every waking moment is not consumed by the miracle in my tummy like it was with Phoenix because quite frankly, Phoenix consumes my time and my love and energy.
Phoenix comes first in a way that no one has done ever before in my life. I even made our baby announcement all about Phoenix really and I think I did that subconsciously because I feel guilty that Phoenix might be upset at not being my only baby any more
So many guilty feelings for Phoenix.
Will he pushed out? Would he have preferred to be an only child? Would he have preferred a sister? Is a brother more fun for him? How will he be when this baby comes? I’m already protective of Phoenix not having to share clothes, toys and aware that I don’t want to be a parent that makes the older child play with their younger sibling but then the guilt swings again to my unborn baby and his feelings and needs. I fear these two boys may rip me in two.
I’m sure all these feelings are natural but they are still somewhat unexpected.
I was and I am desperate to have another baby and one of the reasons for that is because I didn’t want Phoenix to be alone and now I feel guilty that he’s going to not be the only one.
I feel totally distraught for my unborn child that he’s already coming second to Phoenix but I know no other way. Phoenix must come first, he is here and therefore his needs are greater than those of the perfect stranger I am carrying.
I’m afraid that I am yet to feel a bond with this baby though. Why don’t I feel as protective? Why does he feel like a girl? Why don’t I know his very soul already as I did with Phoenix? Is it a second child thing?
I’ve seen a few of my friends be pregnant with their second children now and I’ve noticed that they didn’t seem as excited while pregnant as they did with their first. I now know that's because their first babies takes up all their waking time I think and maybe they too were feeling just as worried and guilty as I do.
The second time around the pregnancy goes so much quicker and I guess the reason for that is because all day is consumed with an already much loved toddler.
I suppose all parents feel guilty second time around and utterly afraid that they could never love anyone as much as they love their first born. I feel like I have no love left but I do remember when my friend MIchelle had her second son she said to me, "You fall in love all over again" and I guess that was her way of trying to alleviate all these fears I have.
I also know that if anything happened to this baby I’d be devastated and that when he doesn’t finally come in to this world early next year, I will fall in love all over again and I will be the luckiest girl in the world.