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Pockets of Joy & Fear

For each a road

For everyman a religion

Find everybody and rule

Forget everything and remember

For everything a reason

Fantastic expectations

Amazing revelations

Final execution and resurrection

Free expression as revolution

Finding everything and realising

For everything a reason

Above are some of the lyrics from Ian Brown’s song, F.E.A.R which is about addiction … Even though I have been an addict, I can’t say I suffered from too much fear, although this song was and is of great comfort to me.

Since becoming a mum though, it’s a different story.

From taking the pregnancy test when I was having Phoenix back in 2014, to right now and forever, my every moment is filled with both pockets of wonderful joy and huge waves of fear. This, I realise is not addiction but love.

I loved Phoenix from seeing ‘pregnant’ on that Clear Blue stick and I would do anything whatsoever to protect him and make sure he is happy. Never in my existence have I had such a clear determination or love for one being.

It’s no secret that I have suffered from depression in the past - but because of Phoenix and my ever growing bump I won’t afford myself that emotional void ever again. My husband and I have been through so much, un documented stress these past 5 years most people would have cracked under the pressure, but since having Phoenix we have fought harder than ever before to ward off allowing these pressures to affect our emotional state and our relationship. We cannot give in, we cannot crack because a beautiful little cub relies on us. So many times, I have wanted to break down in tears and give in but for my little Phoenix, I keep going. Our wild animal pride is strong.

Phoenix has hardly ever seen me cry and I intend to keep it that way. I don’t want him to see my fear. I want him to know that I am always there, strong and steady lighting a magical way for him, so he can enjoy a childhood full of wonder. Sure, life will throw at him some struggles but I need him to know that through it all he can rely on me and to do what I have to do to keep him happy. I will never again bow down to depression or any of life’s woes.

The pockets of joy both he and my bump bring me are enough to keep me going on dark nights and when I say pockets of joy, they are the most magical pockets you can imagine. They are the simple things.

Things like the times I lie in the bath and watch my little bump kicking my tummy, letting me know he’s here, he’s ok and he’s strong. The smile this brings to me is something only a mother gets to savour. It is happiness complete. A quiet moment between you and a stranger who is yet to be born. A bond that will last a lifetime from a few tap, taps on your tummy.

With Phoenix the other night the joy came as I woke up at 4am the other morning. His daddy had already had to transfer him to our bed and I looked at my two boys sleeping soundly, Phoenix was nuzzled in to daddy’s armpit (where I believe the Grinch goes on his holidays).

My little cub was so peaceful and so content and I was overcome with gratitude and joy. I think after 10 minutes of me watching him, he rolled over to me, his little hand un-consciously searching to make sure I was in bed with them too. I held that little tiny hand and I knew I had everything right there. I think I lay awake for at least an hour holding his little hand knowing I have won the jackpot. The whole world was right there in the palm of my hand, while another whole world was busy kicking my tummy to make sure I knew I am in fact, doubly lucky.

It’s this joy that brings about such fear.

I haven’t blogged in a while and I said that I have been ill…. Well kind of ill.

I had a pregnancy scare at 24 weeks but a scare that made me realise I already love this baby just as I loved Phoenix before he came to be.

The day before I hit my 24 week milestone, I found dark blood on going to the loo. I can’t say I felt horror at seeing it. I felt numb. As Ayden and I rushed to the hospital, we didn’t really speak, we calmly got there.

The hospital were wonderful and listened to my babies heartbeat, which they heard straight away. I had no pain and my baby was still kicking away but the incapacitating fear was there on my shoulder as I waited for a consultant..

Phoenix had been dropped off at his granny’s, so Ayden and I sat there in silence. I knew I had to work the next day and I knew if I couldn’t work we would lose a lot of money. Panicking about this (for Phoenix more than anything) as well as panicking about possibly losing my child rushed round and round my head but still I felt the numbness of true fear.

A consultant finally came and examined me and he could not be sure whether I was going in to pre-term labour at 24 weeks. They explained what this could mean and they didn’t hold back on why this would be a very bad thing.

Ayden put his hand on me and it was like he broke a seal of numbness and I began to uncontrollably sob. I think it was the first time this pregnancy that I truly bonded with my unborn child and I wanted him to be ok more than anything. I wouldn’t trade Phoenix for this miracle but I’d trade anything else.

I think the midwife and consultant were shocked as I lay there shaking and sobbing as they quickly reassured me that they would get a more senior doctor to look and give a second opinion, especially as I had no pain.

We waited for what felt like forever and finally the registrar came to see me. He examined me and straight away told me I was absolutely fine and that my baby stranger was safe for now.

He didn’t know why I had bled, but as it had been dark blood he said it could sometimes happen and they would test me for an infection. I went sent home and told not to worry.

I can’ say I was relieved because I was still worried that I had bled at all - but I went home thanking the universe for making my night so much better than it might have been.

I came home and tried to show a happy front for Phoenix and I went to work the next day to make sure life is full of pleasures for Phoenix.

I was still bleeding slightly though and felt a numbness all day at work of course not telling anyone at all what was going on.

Daddy and Phoenix were at Sllmefest, so as soon as work finished, I went back to the hospital for them to check I was ok again, only letting Ayden know I was there when he was on his way home.

My main fear was that, while I was having Phoenix my waters broke but there was no sign they had and so this time around I was so afraid they had broken again and the hospital hadn’t seen it and so my baby was still at risk.

They were of course fine, waters in tact on checking for a second time and I was sent home again. This time though they at least told me that the bleeding could because I had changed my soap and that could have irritated my cervix. Something so simple causing so much anxiety.

The next day the hospital called me – it was indeed all down to my change of soap and I needed some antibiotics as it had caused an infection.

A day later, bleeding had stopped and all was well.

I can’t say I felt fine though as it had shocked me. It has made me treasure my unborn baby which is why I have cut back on work as much as I can without losing any money, which is why my blogs have suffered as they are free.

Since then I have taken much more care of myself. I’m now 27 weeks and grateful for every day and every kick.

I know having children is the scariest thing ever because it is the most wonderful thing ever.

I’m looking forward to having two cubs in my life. I am forever grateful I know great joy and great fear, it is the greatest privilege of all.

All I want for Christmas is for my Phoenix to always be safe and for my new cub to arrive in to this world safely and not til his due date please and I promise I will be good. Thank you Santa, Love SJ xxx