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I Am What Am.... ;)


Who are you? Are you a free spirit independent of all ties, secure in the skin you were given? Are you your job? Your home? Are you defined by your partner or your family? Who exactly are you?

Would you give up everything for freedom? For the thrill of feeling alive? Would you give up everything you have for your children?

I think most of you would and the reason I know that is because I did….

As much as I love being a mum, it cannot be denied that being a parent changes you, certainly in my case, being a mum helped me see beyond the edge of my own selfish universe and brought me back to sanity.

Before I met my husband Ayden, I had lost everything. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I realised, to get out of it, I would probably have to sacrifice everything that defined me and that’s exactly what happened.

I lost a house that I bought for myself when I was 21. A place I worked hard for and loved so much. My father had worked on it for me, making it really quite magical. It was my sanctuary, my security. After a string of abusive relationships, it was the one place that made me feel safe. I knew by daring to leave this guy, he would make sure I lost everything but it was a leap I had to make. To find freedom it had to go.

I lost my career.

Having been threatened that ‘someone’ (and I knew who) may talk to ‘the press’ about my past drug addiction, I had no choice but to go to the papers myself and confess that yes, 2 years before I had ever worked for Cbeebies, I struggled with a two year, quite pernicious addiction, to cocaine. I was already addicted to Prozac because of being Bulimic and so when a man, 13 years older than me, told me cocaine was a better alternative, I believed him. I felt completely outside of society anyway!

I hoped that by being truthful and coming clean about it myself, my BBC bosses would miraculously see it as a story of overcoming adversity.

After two years of being addicted to coke, wasting money and ruining my brain cells, I amazingly had the presence of mind to realise that this was not the life I wanted and I turned it around. I went back in to the West End to Cats the musical and I finally landed a presenter role on Tikkabilla for Cbeebies, where amazingly (despite being offered drugs) I stayed clean and sober and 17 years later I still am.

I hoped they would see, I was telling children everywhere that drugs don’t work and for once it was coming from someone they trusted. Someone who had been there and got the very unattractive t-shirt. I naively thought that like Ant (of Ant and Dec) that I might be ‘seen as’ a hero (I never drove under the influence of drugs or alcohol, by the way and I never would). I stupidly thought the land of TV would embrace me for my honesty – but I forgot, I’m a woman and women are rarely ‘protected’ in showbiz if they right royally fuck up! Women are erased and forgotten, that's why so many have put up with sexual harassment for so long.

To find freedom, my career had to go and so I jumped on my own sword lest anyone could stab me first.

I lost all my money.

To find freedom I lost nearly half a million pounds to my ex, debts and solicitors.

I lost my sanity because suddenly everything that once defined me was gone. I couldn’t even see my friends because I had to move away from my home and London and for what seemed like the longest time, I felt like a soulless vessel floating about. Lost and unsure of who I was or where I was going. Unemployable, homeless and wrecked.

It was my husband Ayden Callaghan who kept pulling me from the abyss. Lighting the way, showing me who I am. Who I really am, without a house, a career and broke, he still managed to see me. He brought the real me back to life, he showed me the freedom of knowing who you are when you have nothing left.

It’s a Once Upon A Time story really.

A small faery clipped her own wings to be free of an evil goblin and as she fell, unable to fly a handsome prince caught her and taught her that you don’t need wings to fly, you need love.

It’s love that made me a parent. I like the identity of being a mum because it’s not born out of insecurity, children are made with love and sealed with a kiss.

I could have stayed in the tower like the Lady of Shalott

"There she weaves by night and day

A magic web of colours gay

She has heard a whisper say

A curse be on her if she stay to look down on Camelot"

But it wasn’t a tower of security like I thought it was, it was a prison which stopped my soul from souring.

Now my soul sores. Having children makes me want to get up in a morning. I can’t wait to see their little love filled faces every day. I strive to make them happy. I live to see them smile and to keep them safe.

Yes, I would still like a career and I have so many ambitions, I could literally explode with ideas but there is no rush because my main ambition is to enjoy my children and to be truly happy in my own skin.

My beautiful friend John Partridge put a clip of him cleaning in just his pants and singing on his twitter the other day and it reminded me of who I am. He is wonderful human being. Naughty, cheeky, brave, honest and kind. A rare soul and the type of person that makes you happy to be around them because Johny Partridge is one of the very few humans who is actually free.

He is a kindred and he inspired me to film this for him, while cleaning the boy’s playroom, which I now saucily share with you. Barely clothed here you can see the happy, cheeky faery whose life is rich with love.

'I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses' and for the longest time bosses and ex partners made me feel like I was ‘bad’ because of my past and because I like ‘fun’ but I am not bad.

I am a person who loves life so much that I am not afraid to live it! I have made a great many mistakes but they have made me a better, stronger, kinder person.

My boys will always be encouraged to be who they are, to delight in life and to only let their own hearts define them.

When we become parents we all lose part of our identities for good but I lost everything. My Freedom and peace are all I have to give my babies right now but I would give up a career, a house and half a million every day of my life to have my family. I am the richest, cheekiest girl in the world but best of all I am a mum who like to sing and dance in her underwear while cleaning, it makes the unicorn in my heart shine.

#dancingnakedintherain

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